Writing has always been something that helps me. However, I tend to only do it when I’m hurting. This is no exception.
I haven’t wrote a lot of personal stuff on this blog, but I think that is something that I want to change. Just writing about trying out products, that I’m not even really excited about, has taken a toll on me. It doesn’t excite me and I want to get away from that.
Now, onto the real stuff. It’s Valentine’s Day. Yesterday, was Friday the 13th. I was broken up with yesterday. Yes, you read that right. Broken up with. Sometimes, when you get broken up with, you see it coming. Maybe things had been shitty for a while, maybe there was infidelity, maybe there was something else that happened, but you knew the relationship was going down hill. Not me. I was (am) blindsided. I believed that my relationship with “Z” was great, perfect even.
A break up is hard anytime. But, the day before Valentine’s Day fucking sucks. I believe that people who are in relationships should act like every day is Valentine’s Day. They shouldn’t put on a show one day of the year. But, since it’s Valentine’s Day, lovey dovey crap is every where. And if I was in a relationship, I would love the crap out of it. Because I had that. I knew in my heart that Z was going to be the man that I married. I knew it. I had never felt such an instant, intense connection with someone. It was everything. For the past 18 months, it really was my everything. Z was my best friend. And I miss the shit out of him already. My heart aches. I don’t even want to think about trying to sleep tonight. I feel so alone. And lost.
I hate that when you get broken up with, people say things like, “it wasn’t mean to be”, or “there’s more fish in the sea”. I wanted my fish that I had. That was MY fish. I know that people have good intentions when they say that stuff, but I don’t want to hear it. That’s not what I need to hear right now. I need to hear that it’s okay that I’m hurting, that I feel broken and lost. And that it’s okay if I ugly cry the majority of the time I am home. That it’s okay that I’m dreading watching “The Walking Dead” tomorrow because who am I going to text while I’m watching it?